Everybody seems to have an idea or two about what should go into the $700 billion bailout bill. Here's my list:
1. The CEO of every company that receives bailout money shall be required to take a portion of the obligation as a personal loan that must be repaid to the federal government in monthly installments.
2. The terms of the loan -- including due dates, interest rates and payment terms -- may be changed at any time, at the sole discretion of the American people and their elected representatives, with or without notice to the CEO.
4. Payments that are made after 6 a.m. on the due date shall be subject to a $39 late fee.
5. Assessment of any late fee shall automatically result in the loan defaulting to an annual percentage rate of 29.9 percent.
6. Should portions of the loan be assessed at different interest rates, all payments shall be applied first to the outstanding balance with the lowest current rate.
7. Should the CEO pay the full remaining monthly balance at any time, the loan shall continue to accrue interest for each nanosecond elapsed between the time of payment and the time it is posted to the books.
8. Questions about the status of the account shall be answered only by persons currently residing in Bombay, India.